Win, Lose, or Sack, It's Always Entertaining at Chelsea. Here's How to Make it Better


Since Roman Abramovich bought Chelsea, the club has entered into a well-established cycle of prolific success and tragic capitulation. Though this pattern could be seen as far back as during Mourinho’s first stint at Chelsea, the recent squad of players have taken it to an entirely new level.

After winning the Premier League under Mourinho in 2015-16, the core players of the squad such as Eden Hazard, Diego Costa, Cesc Fabregas, and Willian said, “You think finishing first was impressive, check this out.” The following season, Chelsea finished 10th in the league after sacking Jose Mourinho. At the time, the decision to remove Chelsea’s most successful manager in their history came as a result of locker room mutiny.

Mourinho predicted the impact of his sacking on Chelsea precisely.

After winning the title the following year under new, espresso-fueled, Rogaine using, Gucci model, Antonio Conte, the Chelsea players once again decided that, well, they were tired of the manager. And, yet again, the Chelsea board sunk to the wishes of the millionaire twenty-year-olds who inhabit the locker rooms at Stamford Bridge. This time, the old group of mutineers was joined by the likes of Marcos Alonso, Alvaro Morata, and Thibaut Courtois.

Currently, Chelsea sits in 6th place in the Premier League with their manager Maurizio Sarri only a phone call from Abramovich away from being sacked.

Sitting back in my chair after watching my beloved Chelsea concede their 6th goal to Manchester City, I was on the verge of vomiting, crying, and screaming. Ultimately, though, I just sat there in silence, contemplating my existence in this twisted game we call life.

A quote came to mind from Rams left-tackle Andrew Whitworth. Following the Rams Super Bowl loss to the Patriots, he said, “At the end of the day, you’re gonna die.” I believe this is an uplifting message for many Chelsea fans who felt like death was preferable to whatever you want to call that catastrophe that occurred in Manchester on Sunday.

As the hours passed following the game, however, I became filled with a maniacal urge to giggle and laugh. Chelsea’s loss, the worst in 28 years, had put the obsession with football, with the premier league, and with all forms of entertainment into context. When you step back and appreciate the meaninglessness of these competitions, the humor within the horror shines through.

If the current season has proven anything, Chelsea is by far, the most magnificent HBO Box Set the Premier League has ever witnessed. Try and find a more unpredictable and entertaining club than Chelsea and you’ll find yourself searching the 6th tier of Lithuanian football before you realize I am right.

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So, I’ve come up with my own strategy for going full on Netflix Original and turning Chelsea into a 38-part dramatic series rather than a football club.

I have been notified that Roman reads every morning in between auditioning for the role of villain in James Bond spinoffs and riding horses with Putin. So, Mr. Abramovich, I’d like to recommend two solutions to your current conundrum.

The first: retreat to your yacht, turn on Johnny Cash’s cover of Hurt, and then do the only sensible thing possible: Fire Sarri and bring in Mourinho. Yeah, I said it.

The second – my preferred solution: blow it all up. The stadium, the boardroom, and the locker room. I don’t care if the British Government won’t approve your visa, Oligarchs obey governments like airplane passengers obey the seatbelt sign – not at all. I want you to fly your apache helicopter (I’m sure you have a few) into London like Javier Bardem in Skyfall. While blaring DMX’s “Ruff Ryders’ Anthem,” burn Stamford Bridge to the ground and start building the new Chelsea. Looking for a head coach, I’ve got it covered – Al Pacino.

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Pacino fits all of Chelsea’s managerial requirements. He’s Italian, he’s been around forever, and, most importantly, he’s so stubborn he will never change the way he acts. As an added bonus, he was great as a football coach in “Any Given Sunday,” wherein he gives the infamous “inch by inch” speech – undoubtedly the most magnificent monologue in the history of cinema.

You may say I’m thinking a little too big, but, Roman, I think I know what I’m talking about. I’ve actually won the Champions League in Football Manager on three separate occasions with third tier Belgian powerhouse KSK Heist.

At the end of the day, I honestly don’t care if this strategy works (even though it will), I just do not want to feel like I did last Sunday ever again.